Welcome to Declassified, a weekly column looking at the lighter side of politics. You can find it in POLITICO‘s weekly print edition and online on Fridays.

A rare bright spot in the global climate fight — you know, to counter the “we’re all going to die” bit — is that it’s easier than ever to differentiate between the good guys and the bad guys.

It goes a little something like this: impassioned teenager who’s done more to raise awareness of the climate emergency that every politician on the planet = good. Science-denying adult who withdrew his country from the Paris Climate Agreement = bad. (It’s strange that Donald Trump is so skeptical about climate change as he has more to fear from it than most of us, what with him being a giant bin bag full of easily-meltable Red Leicester cheese.)

Anyway, where does this leave the EU, with its much-trumpeted climate plans, including a pledge to set a 2050 climate neutrality goal and raise its 2030 emissions reduction target to at least 50 percent from 1990 levels? Seemingly pushing towards bad-guy status after POLITICO revealed that the bloc has raised the amount that can be spent on “air taxi” flights by more than €3.5 million. And when they say “air taxi” they mean “private jet.” A spokesperson for the European Commission said Jean-Claude Juncker had taken 25 flights on private planes in 2018, the same number as in 2017. In 2016, he took 18 private flights, compared with 21 in 2015. To be fair to Juncker (if not the planet), getting to Luxembourg is a pain in the backside.

Clearly the EU has some work to do if it wants to live up to its promises. Here are a few things it could do:

1. Stop printing everything. Ursula von der Leyen has already said that College of Commissioners’ meetings “will be paperless and digital.” Good, although when she announced her new team’s portfolios, it was handouts all the way (along with a sort-of-organigram so bad that graphic designers across Europe may never recover).

2. Stop going to Strasbourg. It costs a fortune and the emissions must be massive. Mind you, they do have tarte flambée (or flammekueche, if you will) so on balance, keep going.

3. Stop Antonio Tajani speaking. Self explanatory.

4. Ditch some of the more far-flung member states. “Sorry, Greece, you’re in Asia now.”

DOS AND DON’TS

DO: Get drunk

A German court ruled that hangovers are an “illness.” Another sensible decision from the head of the German justice system, Mel Gibson.

DON’T: Confuse your prorogation stories

A top court overturned a decision that will have upset those close to a once-popular dictator. But enough about Boris Johnson, what about Franco?

HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

“Woman is forced to bite a camel’s genitals to escape after the animal sat on her at the Tiger Truck Stop in Louisiana when she ran into its enclosure chasing her deaf dog.” (Mail Online)

CAPTION COMPETITION

“And if you disobey me, Johnson, I’ll set Aragog on you.”

Can you do better? Email [email protected]

Last week we gave you this photo.

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the top 3 (there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze).

“I’ll stop drinking if you stop with whatever you’re taking,” by Franz Mauerer

“A tenner says you don’t last until Halloween,” by Richard Jones

“Hello, dictator,” by Helena Miller

Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s Slot news editor